Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show Tonight : You Can Survive!

The Amazon-like Angel creatures will deign to waltz down from their clouds tonight to entertain us mere mortals. That’s right, the Glamazons are here - the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show airs tonight, Tuesday, December 4th, at 10 p.m. et/pt.

We will be treated by a performance by the Spice Girls. This will be their debut TV performance, since reuniting. Prepare to laugh, or cry. Or both. I don’t really know.

I’m glad that I can sit back and give myself a pedicure while I watch the show, because you know that the stress level behind a show of this magnitude has got to be crazy. Hairspray will fly in the air, and someone’s heel will inevitably break, wardrobe malfunctions will happen (you know that there are some men and women just praying for these) - etc. It’s going to be insane, but of course, this is a model’s job, and this is THE elite team of models so they’re pro’s. But if Adriana Lima gets into a fight with Alessandra Ambrosio, my money is on Ms. Lima.

While tonight might seem like it’s just a chore for the model’s - this is actually a battle for you, too. If you plan to watch.

I have outlined some tips for successfully surviving the viewing of the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show:

1. If you are a woman, please remember that these women have professional trainers. They have professional stylists. They have professional makeup people. Their job is to look good. You cannot let yourself feel insecure about eating a healthy diet and exercising, and not having a ‘perfect body.’ You cannot go into this letting this depress you, or make you think you have to drastically cut out all your carbs. Talk to your Dr. if you have concerns.
2. No woman wants to wear a diamond thong, so don’t buy her one for Christmas. She’ll dump you, and turn it into a necklace. Fair warning?
3. It might start to be okay to like the Spice Girls again, we do not have confirmation on this! Do not feel anxiety-induced guilt if you find that you like their performance. Be calm.
4. If you see Katie Holmes in the crowd (assuming Tom Cruise lets her out of the house unsupervised), do not panic - yes, she’s cut her hair, in what I can only assume was a horrible act of desperation. Sadly, there’s nothing we can do about this. Unless, you have Joshua Jackson’s number - maybe he will talk some sense into Katie.
5. If you have a significant other and they decide that they want to watch, there’s not a lot you can do to dissuade them from watching. I’ve seen Frat boys sell body organs to get a good seat at a student center to watch this show.
6. Have fun! Everything will be glittery and pretty and the holiday’s are kicking into gear, so hum a merry tune, and maybe practice your runway walk during commercials.

I didn’t use one Spice Girl’s lyric as a pun in this entire post. That takes strength, people.