ANTM, I Mock You with Love!

Tonight was the season premiere of the newest cycle (10) of America’s Next Top Model. I’m putting in random quotes from tonight’s episode throughout this piece. There were a lot of great gems. I mock the show, but I’ve watched it for so long - there’s something fun about it. So I mock, with love - or something like love, but with less calories?

The show began with some recount of past cycles, but who cared? Finally they got to the new stuff. We saw a herd 35 modelbe’s (models/wannabes) enter a courtyard where they then began to convulse in hysterics as Miss and Mr. Jay arrived. I don’t know if that’s because they’re instructed to do that, or if they’re just so sleep and hunger deprived that they’re delirious. I’m not sure why you would cheer anyone on like that unless their name is Bono.

“I like to create beauty ’cause I’m beautiful.” - Shaya

This episode of ANTM was using a school theme. Since Britney Spears has gone (irredeemably?) downhill I guess they thought someone could reclaim the Catholic schoolgirl look.

They had to walk a runway with backpacks full a book with a heavy history of fashion. Later they arrived at a football stadium with a bonfire. The cheerleaders there were about five models from previous cycles.

The models very obviously weren’t trained to be cheerleaders, lawdy! They did nothing else. What was the point of that and having them there? We hardly saw them.

Tyra arrived as a ridiculous homecoming queen with mascara running down her face (as if girls don’t wear waterproof mascara?) and a large tipped tiara. She attempted to be funny. And then failed, so miserably that it was almost good. Almost.

“It (her breastmilk) tastes sorta like light soymilk” - Claire (pictured left)

So, what are my impressions of the girls?

Dominique is a crazy diva who thinks her prettiness will save a life. The other girls said she looked like a transvestite, and I would concur.

Amy seems positive and vibrant, not cocky.

“…then you can go suck an egg.” - Whitney

Lauren is cool but posed stiff so she’s an underdog, which I love. She had the most difficulty doing the runway challenge. You know what? She reminds me of Lauren Ambrose for some reason. Or specifically, Lauren’s character in Can’t Hardly Wait.

Allison seems interesting. She has personality that kind of grabs you.

“A lot of people think I’m a dumb blonde…” - Kim

Oh Kim, way to go on TV and prove them right! Kim seems like a stereotypical dumb blonde. She actually patronized Mr. Jay calling him ‘cute’. Oh Kim, wait until you see the hell he’s going to put you through. That won’t be very cute.

“I have so much more purpose than anyone else.” - Whitney

Kristin looks like Noelle from a previous cycle. She seemed genuinely sweet. She wasn’t picked. She was too timid, I guess.

“I have accepted the fact that I’m a bitch.” - Shalynda

Stacy-ann got married at 17, and her voice is so annoying I can’t imagine anything sounding worse. Naturally, they had to pick her to be in the final 14.

“EEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeoooiii!!!!!” - Stacy-Ann (This is all I can hear when she speaks.)

“I love ugly-beautiful”- Lauren (pictured right)

Saleisha’s mini ANTM commercial was not very great, she can’t talk without sounding super rehearsed. Then the Drew Barrymore commercial came on. I think I will fall over if Cover Girl ever does a real commercial like that with an ANTM winner.Two Aimee’s got picked, but Tyra said one of them will have to change her name. Oh, the high prices model’s pay.

“When I do things, I like to do them perfectly.” - FatimaThere was only 13 picked, then Tyra decided to have one more girl join. Why not the 40 year old transvestite! Dominique, come on down!

“Bitch, if you touch me, you gonna die.” - Marvita

There are 14 girls. Who will be the first to go, who will make it into the top? Who will trip in their heels first? Who will gain 3 lbs and call herself fat? Who will get a nonlethal disease that makes them miss a photoshoot? Your guess is as good as mine.

Until later,

Jessica Rae

For more: Sirlinksalot: America’s Next Top Model

Images are from cwtv.com. The top banner was modified slightly by me.