Our Faithfulness to First Loves : Dear Jordan Catalano

There were not even twenty episodes of My So-Called Life, yet the show has, if you’ll excuse the sloppy (semi) pun, lived on long past its original air date of August 25th, 1994. The one-hour drama centered around Claire Danes as 15-year-old Angela Chase was nothing short of captivating.

Jordan Catalano was the perfect leading man for Angela Chase. That is to say, he was entirely wrong for her, but he was irresistible. That’s how it goes. Our desires are never hardwired for what is easily attainable. Jordan was inarguably frustrating and equally endearing with his enigmatic quality. Not to mention his effortless vibe of ‘cool’.

Angela was barely a bleep on Jordan’s radar for more than a momentary sighting, but as love (young or old) can go - she was enamored with him so strongly his pull on her was significant and at times all-consuming. When a girl thinks you lean in a great way - the crush is considerably far-reaching.

“I’m in love. His name is Jordan Catalano. He was left back, twice.

Once I almost touched his shoulder in the middle of a pop quiz.

He’s always closing his eyes, like it hurts to look at things.“

Teenage girls these days may never truly recognize the appeal of Jordan. Then again, Jordan may be the James Dean of cool, his flannel shirts as iconic on him as a leather jacket on James.

The dispiriting aspect of icons is that often they remain more powerful when taken away before we’re ready for them to leave. Jordan sauntered in and out of scenes on the show with total disregard for other’s (teachers, friends, Angela), including the offscreen viewers who wanted more. But it was this very replicated routine that echoed real life (how often do you truly get to see your bigtime crush? it’s never enough) and made you feel the ardent sense of longing that Angela felt.

Jordan never let you get a satisfying grasp on him. Once you thought you understood something and finally learned a secret (being dyslexic = no wonder he’s such a slacker) - he changed. Or he would be perfectly human and make a mistake (sleeping with Angela’s best friend). Or you would fail to realize the downfalls of romanticizing him (the song he wrote called ‘Red’ = wasn’t really about you, but his car). His appeal might never have been forever steady, but to make him without flaws would to have made him boring - uninteresting, a character to forget.

And I remember Jordan very well.

I wonder what an aged version Angela, in 2008, would say to Jordan now. Though, I imagine it might go something like this…

Dear Jordan,

Time passes in funny ways. One minute I’m here in my day-to-day life, the world outside a blur as I work and interact with my self-made environment. An environment that I’ve chosen - or maybe it chose me. I can never be sure…

But in the next minute I can find myself in a time capsule, feeling sentimental and silly. And the thing is, I’m not just alone, I am actually lonely in these moments. I suppose it’s because the impressions of the past are too faint to be brought to life by my sheer will.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m back, stuck at the bring of 15. And I’m saying all of these wrong things and still you look at me like I could, somehow, contain meaning. Like, I could be more than just what I imagine myself to be. Which is pretty much the best feeling in the world, no matter what your age happens to be.

There’s thousands of other things I could try to say to you, but mostly, and ultimately, I want to thank you for that.

In those formative years of youth I never felt like I was a whole person living in the world until I looked outside myself and saw the way others looked at me. They were mirrors, not always reliable or perhaps accurate, but insightful.

I have spent my life trying to be worthy of admiration. That’s selfish, but it’s undisguised honesty. And it’s probably why I became a teacher. Which is, let’s face it, basically standing up in a room full of kids and letting them judge and mock you when your back is turned. Gossiping is practically a competitive sport in high school. We all like to think we’re better than it, but I don’t know many people who are.

Well, here’s me - talking (or writing) too much as always. I don’t know what exactly there is to say that can fill the silence of all of these years. Except, maybe, some more undisguised honesty.

You are mythic, Jordan Catalano. Sometimes I think I see you in the hallways of the school I teach in, and you’re leaning against a locker door. Before a blush blooms fully on my cheeks reality breaks through to my mind and you’re not there.

But you’re somewhere. And I hope that somewhere is good. I hope you have lived a beautiful life.

And I sincerely hope you don’t think this letter is stupid.

With love,

Angela Chase-Stanton

Until later,

Jessica Rae

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My So-Called Life (1994 Television Series) soundtrack

My So-Called Life - The Complete Series (w/ Book)

My So-Called Life (Complete Series)