Heidi Montag is a Barbie Girl, in a Barbie World (Oh - and in a World of Influential Eighteen+ Year Old Voters)

So, I finally decided it was time to try watching The Hills. Never had I seen an episode. So, I curled up on my fluffy bed, low-fat cookies in hand, and was prepared for a guilty pleasure show that would leave me with no serious thoughts as I fell asleep. That’s bliss, right? Well, instead, I was outraged, befuddled, and I considered calling up people at 3 a.m. in a VERY loud voice to tell them how wrongwrongwrong (wrong!) the world has gone. To put it politely, The Hills is a piece of trash TV show that will not only rot your braincells, it might destroy civilization entirely. I just wish I were exaggerating.

No one has to tell me the power of this show, I hear people talk about it all the time. Teenagers especially. I hear weird news about how Heidi Montag wants to promote stuff and have them change the historic HOLLYWOOD sign to HEIDIWOOD. Seriously? Seriously. This entire time, I thought it was Paris Hilton who was the worst. But once again I find myself surrounded by look-alike blonde Barbie’s who are more shallow than I can believe,  and who are famous for being famous. And then they propel that fame into more and more fame - just for being themselves. Which, in theory, would be great - if they were someone you could respect, like a real role model.

You know who I’d watch a reality TV show about? Actresses like Christina Ricci, Natalie Portman, or Scarlett Johansson. But they’re all busy actually doing work - acting, going to school, etc. And then, they go out and are themselves, talking about charities, endorsing a clothing line, etc.  That never bothers me, because they’re not just a billboard. They’re interesting people, who say interesting things.

All the side things they do are what these reality TV guys and gals do as full time jobs. We pay to watch their lives - and their lives are better because we are watching. They get nice perks, since the places they work/party/live at all want to be endorsed by networks like MTV and get exposure.

[ Above : the very best in hooker wear that Heidi could find? ]

If (and when) more serious actresses or actors end up as part of a punchline in a joke from Leno or Letterman - it’s okay, because that’s not all they are. With Heidi Montag or Lauren Conrad, that’s mostly what they are. They’re pretty party girls who don’t want to work, like drama (drama llamas!) and spend more time straight ironing their hair (newsflash: that look is over) than they spend reading a book.

They seem completly interchangeable and I couldn’t tell you which is which in a lineup. If you took quotes and then asked me to say which girl said what, I couldn’t tell you. They regurgitate the same meaningless words, with smatterings of ‘hot’ lingo. What’s worse, they’re role models. Girls see them and want to be them. And now, they may even vote a certain way, just because of one of them.

Heidi Montag, told US Magazine that she is voting for John McCain. She said, “I’m a Republican, and McCain has a lot of experience.” So, does that mean that she’s voting for him because he’s a Republican, or because he has a lot of experience? If he didn’t have a lot of experience, would she not vote for him? — omg, I don’t care!!!#&$^

It comes as no surprise to me that a rich white girl would vote for a Republican. I’m pretty sure Jessica Simpson and Britney Spears both endorsed President Bush. And look how well he turned out for us!

And let’s forget this all for a second. Let’s look at the candidate, McCain. Does he care that Montag likes him? I mean, am I making too much out of this? Well, no. He knows how much the Montag vote (and all the others who vote like her because of her, while posing like her, in clothing from her line) means. Do you think he’s serious when he told Swampland, “I’m honored to have Heidi’s support, and I want to assure her that I never miss an episode of The Hills, especially since the new season started.” Do you really want a President who says that, who is like that? I don’t even want a dentist who watches that show.

I kind of have to vomit now.