Ways to Annoy Dr. Gregory House: A Memo

To: “Princeston-Plainsboro Hospital Staff and Board”

CC: “Dr. Lisa Cuddy”

From: Anonymous

Subject: Something has to be done!

My Dear fellow coworkers,

We have a Doctor here that needs no more introduction than as being the most foul-mouthed, ill-tempered, rude and hostile person in the employ of this hospital. If I knew more words for how horrible he was, I would use them. However, he will probably never get fired unless he burns down the hospital, and even then I have my doubts due to the superficial-but-oddly-loyal ties some of the board members have to this… fiend.

But I think we need some ways to cope. I know that I’ve, personally, found his very presence taxing. Have you not? Well, here are my suggestions.

1. Fill his office full of hamsters. He’ll hate this more than rats because hamsters are actually cute. It’s like a room full of teddy bears. Terrifying to someone like House.

2. Set up a contest where people have to count jellybeans in a jar (just with their eyes) to win a new computer. Put the jar right in front of his office. This is such an idiotic contest that anyone who so much as looks at the jar to make a mental guess will have him ranting in no time. Who doesn’t love a jellybean contest? Only demon spawn.

3. Find a CD by Kristen Chenoweth and play it a lot. Ditto Miley Cyrus. Ditto Shania Twain. All the goodies.

4. Get a patient to come in swearing of the medical benefits of Bach’s Rescue Remedy. Hey, the ingredients sure SOUND pretty! (essence of: Star of Bethlehem, Cherry Plum, Rock Rose…) Tingles already, right? Bonus points if they also say reflexology is totally real and cured them of a broken foot.

5. Do his laundry. He hates when people clean for him. Pick up his dry-cleaning, too.

Together I hope we can band together and fight this evil bastard.

- Dr. Hope Faithlyn Cassidy, GYNO lady

[ Very possibly secretly from: Dr. Gregory House who is bored. ]

–

Rescue Remedy Sleep Spray 20 ml- wait, you sleep easily? liar.

Reflexology Massage CD – probably easier than a book teaching you (This link HERE about hand reflexology is awesome. ‘Reflexology’ is also fun to say. After I looked into this I learned how to read my own palm. The internet? It’s awesome. Someone should claim they invented it to make lots of money. Oh, Al Gore already did that? Dammit. Can I claim I invented the ‘@’?)

Treat yourself to DVDS!

House, M.D. – Season One

House, M.D. – Season Four