By Jessica Rae on May 17, 2008 in News/Gossip | comments(2)
Dear Paris,
Sarah Jessica Parker can pull off crazy hats and make them look ten shades of fabulous. Do you want to chance a guess at how people think you look in a crazy hat? (Hint, it rhymes with lazy - which I’m told you are.) Crraaaazzzyyy. Yup. The fact that it looks hopelessly tacky doesn’t help. Just between you and me - you had this thing rigged up real fast by using old Easter decorations and fishing wire, right?
Always impressed by how you manage to not choke on water,
Jessica
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By Jessica Rae on May 15, 2008 in Commentary, Misc. | comments(8)
I severely don’t like Grey’s Anatomy. However, I have seen bits and pieces - enough to reference it in a jaded and cynical manner, as well as really dislike all of the characters. And that’s all that counts.
Here is super exclusive access to part of an AIM conversation I had today:
Jessica: my brain hurts, can you drill into my skull to relieve the pressure?
Brittany: Yes, since you asked nicely.
Jessica: thank you!
Brittany: Sure thing!
Jessica: i think they did it on an episode of grey’s anatomy, it’s no big deal.
Brittany: I don’t have a drill but I do have an electric tooth brush; you think if I fitted something sharp on the end it would work?
Jessica: probably. I mean, you’ll sanitize it, right?
Brittany: Oh yeah, I’ll blow on it, get all the germs off.
Jessica: this is sounding sexual.
Brittany: I try and make everything I do sexual.
Jessica: you realize i’m gonna quote this on sc, right?
Jessica: you’re going to be outted as such a big ho.
Brittany: Hey, I’ll take fame any way I can get it.
Brittany: It worked for Paris!
Jessica: print that on your business cards.
Brittany: But if you compare me to her I will have to kill you.
Jessica:you have better hair, for one.
Brittany: I don’t know, I mean no one’s asked me to market my own line of extensions. Yet.
Jessica: the time will come.
Jessica: does this mean i have to marry a semi-rocker guy and have a baby? ugh. i get no fun.
Oh - and then later when Brittany asked me if I knew a Kate chick, the only Kate I could think of off the top of my head was the character on Lost! 
My mind is so TV-ified. I love it. Maybe I shouldn’t drill into it. What would Dr. House do? WWHD?
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By Jessica Rae on May 8, 2008 in News/Gossip | comments(2)
Paris Hilton on Letterman Thursday night was funny. And I don’t mean she was, I mean the segment was - because Letterman is a master of making fun of her without her hardly even noticing.
On the show, she probably scared her boyfriend half to death when she basically said she wants to marry him (unless ‘forever’ means something else to celebrities). She also basically admitted that her show is a fraud. She said it isn’t really to find her a best friend, since she already has one. Still, the aim of the show, as promoted, is to find her a best friend. Oh, you wacky Paris! I suppose the title of the show means that Paris will be THEIR BFF, and not that they’ll be Paris’ - tricky, TRICKY.
Why do you think this picture of Paris Hilton is weird? Are you trying to tell me you don’t chill out in your pad, drinking champagne in a can like this? How can you live with yourself?
My favorite part was when they were talking about the lame Ken Paves/Jessica Simpson hair extensions knockoff (which is equally, if not more, lame - how can I decide which is worse?).
David: Are they expensive?
Paris: No, they’re just $79.00
And she was totally serious. To her, that’s nothing. But seriously, know your target audience! It’s tweens and teens, who are going to beg their parents for this product, and it will only be later that the little tweens realize that what they’ve got attached to their head is something like a dead rat.
As a responsible citizen I need to tell you that Paris’ has her song playing on the site. So please visit it at your own risk: dreamcatchers.com
Paris Hilton is 99% more moron than I can handle.
Picture from parishiltonjustme.com
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By Jessica Rae on Mar 22, 2008 in News/Gossip | comments(0)
Pledge the ultimate sorority. The sorority of Paris Hilton. You can audition and be on an MTV reality show whose aim is to find Paris a BFF. The show is called Paris Hilton’s My New BFF. Read on for more.
I’m sort of stunned as to what to say. I mean, I guess it will be interesting to see what happens? A show based on finding you a best friend would seem pathetic and shameless to most anyone, but with Paris Hilton (The Simple Life - The Complete Third Season (Interns) I guess she can’t go any lower. And that’s pretty sad. She’s tried to be an actress and a singer(Paris CD) and she’s bad at both (House of Wax - Widescreen Edition) - so she can really only be famous for being famous. She milks her fifteen minutes pretty well.
Paris should already have BFF’s - her sister, and Nicole Richie. They’re still friends. But Paris needs constant attention and someone who will treat her like the center of her world. Nicole has a baby so she’s out.
The show will have 20 contestants, all living in one house, all trying to become Paris’ best friend. There is already a website where you can sign up to get votes. The site is ParisBFF.com. From what I’ve seen there are a lot of porn-star wannabe’s and girls who look exactly like Paris with straight platinum blonde hair, holding tiny chihuahuas.
This makes my head hurt.
Picture from starpulse.com
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By Jessica Rae on Mar 9, 2008 in News/Gossip | comments(0)
Paris Hilton has landed a spot on NBC’s My Name is Earl. She will be playing herself, in a dream sequence. Who would be dreaming about her? They’re talking about a nightmare, right? She is pretty terrifying.
It’s no surprise that Paris will be playing herself. Even when she’s cast as a character with another name, she’s almost always playing herself - a rich and bratty blonde girl. She’s also been on the TV shows: Veronica Mars, The O.C., Las Vegas, George Lopez, and American Dreams.
For movies, she’s done the same thing, having cameo’s in movies like Raising Helen and Zoolander, as herself. Oh goodness, that must be exhausting!
The creator of My Name is Earl, Greg Garcia, issued this short statement about Paris Hilton:
“When we wrote the role of ‘Paris Hilton’ in the script, we weren’t exactly sure who to go with for the role. But after an exhausting search we finally settled on a relatively unknown actress by the name of Paris Hilton. I can’t wait to see what she does with the role, and I can’t wait for America to discover her.”
I sort of doubt Paris got the sarcasm. I imagine she erupted into tears after rolling her eyes. Here is a graphic that might help you imagine the scene:
I’m afraid,
Jessica Rae
Veronica Mars - The Complete First Season
George Lopez - The Complete First and Second Seasons
The Simple Life - The Complete Third Season (Interns)
Original image from parishiltononline.net
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